listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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