omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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