Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
