I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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