Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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