a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
