I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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