it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
