there's paper in my vomit.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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