I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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