As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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