it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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