She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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