A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
