there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
