A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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