Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
