you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
