i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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