Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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