Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Screwed.edu
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
