The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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