I think I died a long time ago.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
