I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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