I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize