Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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