Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
