Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
