I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
