Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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