Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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