K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
