very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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