Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
