mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
