i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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