I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
