Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
