what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
