so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
