My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
