Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
