This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
