the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
