I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
