This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
