i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize