I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
