yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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