i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
