"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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