My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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