what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm really busy with my period
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