a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
