Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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