I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
