My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
